Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Definite Don'ts

Here's my irregular public service to those of you armed with money/plastic and ready to spend.

Friends, there are plenty of things out there that may seem like a good idea when you're up late at night because you can't sleep/have had too much to drink. But I'd like you to take a good look at these while you're alert and sober (this combination is VERY important). I'm here to save you money. And if, after looking at these, you still want to spend some money, just send me your cash. You'll thank me for this.

Facial Flex

There's about a minute's worth of creepy lady talking before she gets down to using this thing. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure if you keep making a face, it will stick that way. In this case, the face could only come in handy in the adult film industry. It seems like this works the opposite of Botox - which freezes your muscles. Stretching your facial muscles repeatedly doesn't appear to be a workout. It looks like it will stretch out your face so that you need a surgeon to pull all that skin back for good. That said, if any of you buy this, I expect you to get video and post it somewhere. Then, tell me you believe this product REALLY works. Side note to salespeople: if the product you're advertising includes closeups of someone's mouth, how about you choose models with good, straight, white teeth?

You know who this is perfect for?

Lady Gaga.

If your name is NOT Lady Gaga (or it's not Halloween), this is just a big, fat NO.

Can you imagine what this would be like in every day life? No one would take you seriously. I suppose if you don't want to be taken seriously, this would go perfect with your neck tattoo.

But in real life? If I put this on, I would walk outside in this heat and it would probably slide right off my forehead. Also, I am certain none of my co-workers would be able to pretend like this was not happening. Kind of long story short: no way, Jose - or whatever your name is. 

Violent Lips
On a related topic, let's look at these. I mean, REALLY look at these.

You know who wears these (besides the model)? Hookers and exotic dancers - or ladies whose profession makes guys want to look at their mouths and think of the things they could do with them. Subtle, no?


And ladies, this is the ultimate high maintenance mouth. You probably can't drink or eat with this mouth (hmmm - maybe good for a diet or detox). I don't envy the guy who goes to kiss this mouth, only to have half of it wind up in his mouth. These might be fine for a costume, but far from good for reality.

One last note... These look like they'd really dry your lips. I like lip balms way too much to try these.

All Star Thong Sandal
Look, I love me a good sneaker and a good flip flop. But this is insane!

The toe says, "Keep cool!" The heel says, "Don't you envy the toes?"

I've been staring at the photo trying to picture a celebrity who would look good in these (because isn't that what we all picture before we buy shoes/clothes/bags?). Can't do it. Not even someone cute and funky - like Zooey Deschanel - could pull these off. It's like Converse hates ladies. I know their other shoes are way cuter and try to make up for this awful shoe, but this really is unforgivable. Ladies, don't.

Just - don't.

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