Oh, Kanela!

I think you think you're clever.

But I really think you're just inviting a kidnapper to call your name as you approach your car, then he shoves you in so he can drive you to an isolated location to do bad things to you and leave you for dead.

If your name is NOT Kanela, you are clever and I take back everything I just said. You won't be fooled by a criminal. You'll probably just mow him down with your Toyota!

For more tales about personalized license plates, click here.

Week In Pop Culture

Royal wedding acknowledged.

Meredith Viera is saying "adios" to Today.

January Jones is pregnant.

So, 50Cent is into comedy now. That's a joke, right?

I could have lived my whole life without knowing Raquel Welch does not dig the Brazilian.

Paris Hilton and her boyfriend were attacked outside a courthouse.

Another week, another celebrity in rehab.

Does Paula Deen have a secret?

Rihanna is just like the rest of us - at the airport.

Steven Tyler has "written" a book.

Renee Zellwegger had a few birthday parties.

This Olivia Munn picture is for the geeks. You're welcome.

Demi Moore will be doing work I'll never see.

Katie Holmes got an apology from a tabloid.

Really, Miley Cyrus?

Thanks to Natalie Portman's dad, I'm adding "fertility thriller" to the genres I won't read.

I really hope this story about Tina Turner is not true.

Justin Timberlake is in a movie about that "friends with benefits" nonsense, but that's not him.

When I grow up, I want to be Christie Brinkley.

I don't love her dress, but Jessica Simpson's legs are awesome!

This actor has officially creeped me out - and I've never seen him act!

I am not quite on board with Julianne Moore's Sarah Palin.

Know who makes the most sense on this whole Charlie Sheen mess? Tracy Morgan. I cannot believe I just wrote that.

I suppose if Justin Bieber can get kids to brush their teeth, that's a good thing.

This news does not make me more interested in Green Lantern.

Not my favorite Jake Gyllenhaal look.

A former American Idol judge is talking about it.

Still excited about Aaron Sorkin's HBO show.

Looks like DWTS is just the career boost Kirstie Alley needed.

Karl Lagerfield is strange. Wait. He's super rich. He's "eccentric."

Katie Couric is leaving CBS.

Jennifer Aniston will be bi-coastal.

Kate Hudson is engaged.

Natalie Portman is still pregnant.

Gwyneth Paltrow used the one word I won't say.

I'm pretty sure Levi Johnston can't read, so I do not believe he's actually "writing" this book.

How does Beyonce walk in these?

Can we all agree Nic Cage is a bit crazy?

There might be an Entourage movie.

A reality TV actress is engaged.

A funny guy is engaged.

Seriously, Mariah. Knock this off.

This sounds interesting.

Paris Hilton nearly killed an actress. Or did she?

Cold, hard reality for those "reality TV stars" who "write' books.

Guess which (old) Brits will be rockin' the Olympics.

Toni Collette had a baby.

I don't think I've ever seen Rachel Bilson act, but she can definitely rock a bikini.

Katie Holmes can afford to have someone help her not look like this.

Lady Gaga thinks she's a loser.

This actor is thinking of calling it quits. I hope he gets some voice over work because that's what I like most about him.

Flavor Flav is out of the chicken business.

How cute is this Hollywood family?

The Black Eyed Peas are retiring a song. I wish they'd just quit making music.

Emma Watson was bullied so she quit college. Really, college kids? You should know better.

America was not "Mad About" Paul Reiser's new show.

This couple was married over the weekend. If this is true, then I'm officially creeped out by that girl.

Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to jail. Again. And she has an unusual community service assignment.

This model is pregnant.

Betty White gets the giggles. LOVE THIS!

Hot in Cleveland
Tags: Hot in Cleveland Video,Photos on the set of Hot in Cleveland,Betty White,Hot in Cleveland Official TV Show Website

Rest in peace, Phoebe Snow.

Royal Wedding? No, Thank You!

Before I start, let me say I think these two are adorable. If you believe all the hype, they're adorably perfect. Look at their flawless clothes and smiles. I'd say hair, but Kate clearly wins this won (sorry, Will - you got that from your dad).

I understand the fascination with these two, but I cannot believe the major networks in the United States are dedicating so much of Friday to the wedding. They do know they're not the Prince and Princess of America, right? So, I will do my best to avoid tuning in to this whole mess. I know it will be hard, but I just don't care. I wish them well and the best of luck - as I do any couple brave enough to stand in front of their family, friends and God to say those vows. 

Does the world have to go bananas over this royal wedding? It's like no one remembers how the last big fuss ended (divorce, Princess Diana's death if you're just landing on Earth). So, to add to the hoopla, people looking to cash in on this perfect young couple have rolled out the following:

Buy a place setting with their faces on it! Just what you need on your wall/in your cabinet!

A coin you'll probably accidentally shove into a vending machine.

A replica of Kate's/Diana's ring so you can wait for your very own prince (excuse me while I go gag).

A "rare" Kate doll! So, so happy we've already decided Kate shouldn't put on a single ounce (or stone or whatever they call weight in England)! Because Diana didn't have enough worries about her weight being documented. Seriously, no lessons learned there?

Paper dolls. Because everyone wants to dress up this royal couple. Really.

Ugly sneakers, or trainers as they call them across the pond. I don't even think Will and Kate are wearing these.

A royal manicure? Fellas, if you see a girl with nails like this, RUN LIKE THE WIND. That girl is crazy high maintenance and you will NEVER please her! Same goes with this.

Royal Pez dispensers? What's creepier than eating super sweet, hard candy out of the head of a real person? Fictional characters as Pez dispensers are just fine. Why do I make the distinction? Because if you ever bump into these two and the first words you say are, "I ate candy out of your head," you are certain to be detained if not sent away to a looney bin.

Anyone using these is either thumbing his/her nose at this nonsense or insanely bitter about not being The Chosen One. So, which are you?

If you're knitting your own royal family, you should pause and pet your kitties, you crazy lady!

The title of this book says a lot about the buyer. I'm just jealous I didn't get to this first.

And this might be the most ridiculous of all.

Royal Condoms. Really. I know they say "souvenir" on the box, but I am afraid there might be some people hoping to make royal babies. I say "hoping to make" because I refuse to believe that these are not legitimate birth control. Shall I say they might be full of holes?

Those are just some of the apps you can download (some free, some not) if you want to learn more about the wedding. Even creepier? The ones that make it seem as if you're participating in the whole process. Friends, if you've downloaded those, please don't tell me. Unless you want me to judge you. And I will.

If I should wake up early tomorrow morning and find no way to avoid all this Royal Wedding nonsense, I may play this.

The fine folks at Entertainment Weekly put this together. If I wasn't working, I might be inclined to get up early so I could make it a drinking game. If you're that lucky, here are a few of the rules I'd play by. Drink when:

• You see a lady in a hat
• You see someone wipe away tears (on TV, in your own home, in the mirror)
• You see a celebrity
• You see a celebrity in a hat - that's two shots
• You see a celebrity cry - that's two shots
• You see a celebrity in a hat crying - that's three shots

It's Take Your Kids To Work Day!

Or as the babysitter/nanny/daycare worker calls it: the day you let someone else raise your child!

It's not that I don't like children. I just don't particularly like them in the office. If we can't put them to work answering phones, refilling the printer drawers with paper or doing other workplace chores, what's the fun? Plus, it means I have to try to wrangle my potty mouth. You SO owe me for that. So, to show my appreciation for my co-workers' children, I present these ecards.

How Am I Reading?

My name is Nicole and I am a bookaholic.

Just saying those words out loud makes me feel SO much better. But seriously, I cannot stop buying books. Here's a look at my nightstand today:

Three of those books were bought last year, but I hope to finally get to them this year. You see, in the last couple of years, I have renewed my love of books. I get some really awesome coupons from Borders and Barnes & Noble, which encourages me to buy more books. It's a deal - and I love a bargain.

See that Covert Affair book? TRUE STORY: about two weeks before it was released, I was talking to a friend about the need for a book to detail Julia Child's spy days. Then, when I saw it, I was excited! Still, I said, "I cannot buy another book right now. I have too many in my 'to read' pile." Then, 15 minutes later, I received a 40% off coupon, so I bought it. I don't feel as guilty about the book buying until the tower of books next to me seems to taunt me as I fall to sleep. Some nights, I swear they sway as if to say, "We're going to crush you in your sleep! HAHAHAHA!" Note: those are the nights I might have had too much alcohol.

While I am looking forward to reading all of those books (one at a time - I get through them faster that way), I am not looking forward to hauling them around. The Passage is more than 700 pages! While that will boost my Good Reads page count, it will likely throw off my balance. Seriously, if I fall down in the parking lot at work and hurt myself, I'm blaming the book.

I only wish I had waited until after Christmas to buy that book. My parents gave me this as a gift:

A Nook color! It was an ordeal setting it up (my parents live in a house without WiFi - it's like the late 90s up in there), but once I returned home, I had no problem making it one of my new favorite gadgets. Because I had a few books on my nightstand, I decided to restrict the real books to those less than 300 pages. Anything longer than that would be easier to carry on the Nook. I've read three books on it and have sorted out the pros/cons of eReaders. 

Weight

The Nook is about the same weight as a paperback book. Well, it would be if I didn't have it in a leather case.

Function

I still like holding a real book. The case holding my Nook kind of gives me that feel, but I do like turning real pages, not swiping the screen. I have also run into the battery issue - just a few pages left and the battery dies. Advantage: book. Real books don't need battery power!

Waterproof

This was one concern - and why I didn't buy myself an eReader. You see, I have spilled soup, wine, coffee, etc., on my real books. I make sure when I'm Nooking (real word, no?) that I have no liquids around me. I am also not going to lounge in a bubble bath with the Nook. One big splash or slip up and it's a goner.

Price

This is a tough one. Sometimes, the coupons I get from the big box book sellers bring the hardcover edition to the same or even cheaper price than an e-book. If you aren't a member of their discount programs, get on it.

Other Issues

The other night, I was finishing Swamplandia! and was in bed. I turned off the light and was happy with the light the Nook provided. It wasn't so bright that it kept me up when I finished reading. It didn't strain my eyes the way my nightstand lamp sometimes does when I read at night. Also, the Nook is now in the app business. Not sure I need one more place to app it up, but there is that option.

I will also make one more exception for buying the real book: if I buy the eBook and love it, I'll add the real version to my collection. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but I like looking at the real books. Plus, some day, I hope to have a library in my home so I can be surrounded by the books that I love. I'm only holding onto books that I want to read again. Everything else has been put up for swap.

Do you have an eReader? Have you established criteria like mine or have you just given up ever reading a real book again?

Not Even With Your Eyes

Since I was a kid, that movie has scared the bejeezus out of me. Yes, I saw it when I was a kid. Not a great choice by the babysitter, but it happened. It has scared me so much, I will freak out and drown someone if I am in water where I can't see - even if it's a river or lake (I saw the true story behind Jaws and know that some sharks can live in fresh water).

I've even had at least one dream where I saw a shark do this:

The smile says, "Hello." The eyes say, "HELLO, DINNER!"

Don't get me wrong. I totally respect sharks. I respect them so much, I don't want to confuse them by making them question whether I'm a delicious-tasting seal or a horrible-tasting human. I might even check out "Shark Week" (only in the daytime so I don't have shark dreams).

So this is almost scarier to me than getting in a cage and being lowered into an ocean full of great white sharks.

That's an advance peek at Shark Night 3D. The picture alone let me know that this is so not the movie for me. It would not be the least bit fun to watch sharks through those goofy glasses as they lunge off the screen at me, who would likely be trying my best not to pee my pants. I don't care how campy it is. I don't care that Sara Paxton, the object of this shark's desire, says, "I don't think people should go in expecting The Reader, with Kate Winslet."

No kidding.

There's no way I'm even watching this in the 2D version.

Unless I want to stay awake for a week. And I do not.

Happy Easter!

Full disclosure: I'd rather be eating Peeps and Cadbury Eggs than sending you Easter wishes. So, I hope you'll understand these cards are the best I can do.

I'm Confused

Every time I hear Frank McCourt, I keep thinking of this guy.

He was a beautiful writer and was a teacher.

But I am always wrong.

The guy who's in the news is this guy.

He's the owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers and is apparently a bit of a douche bag. The polar opposite of the other McCourt. I wish he'd change his name so I wouldn't be confused and also to prevent  him from muddying the name of the better Frank McCourt.

Week In Pop Culture

Katy Perry totally stole my Friday look.

Lady Gaga fell on stage again.

Even though I like this guy, I still don't want to see a Bourne movie without Matt Damon.

If this doesn't make you excited for the new Beastie Boys album, nothing will.

Beastie Boys - Make Some Noise - Free Music Videos - Top Songs

Look who might be the next star to take on Broadway.

Leeza Gibbons is married.

Not sure what to think of this Mel Gibson interview.

I'm a little intrigued by this new Kelsey Grammer project.

An actress and a TV carpenter are engaged.

I love these kids (and The Bangles look great)!

Jane Krakowski is now a mom.

Those Jonas brothers want you to know they're still alive.

Benicio del Toro's baby mama is showing off her baby bump.

Jimmy Fallon's show has been renewed.

Not sure shoulder implants will catch on.

Sarah Jessica Parker in a bikini. Here.

Is it the 90s again? Ricki Lake is getting a daytime talk show.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is healthy and ready to work.

Kirstie Alley doesn't exactly make a good diet model.

Ethan Hawke's wife is expecting their second child (his fourth).

How cute is Salma Hayek's daughter?

Robin Williams looks a little homelessy.

Can't wait to see the season finale of SNL.

If you want to see Sharon Stone in a bikini, click here.

I loved Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart, but am not so sure I want him to do a whole album.

Here's Patrick Dempsey on the beach.

Tragedy in Tim Robbins family.

I'm warming to the idea of The Great Gatsby reboot.

This Dark Knight news is making me antsy about seeing it.

Can you tell Miranda Kerr had a baby in January? Neither can I.

Suri Cruises's 5th birthday was better than any party I'll ever have.

At this point, I would not be surprised if Mariah Carey does not release photos of her in the delivery room.

Grace Kelly's royal wedding is one that I can get behind.

I think this Real Housewife looked better before her facelift.

Lindsay Lohan may be back to making movies I won't see.

Diddy is desperate to become an actor.

Y'all, Britney Spears is just like us!

Beyonce is a tease.

Evan Rachel Wood wants some attention.

If we were in 1988, I would be super excited about this.

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know she's street, yo.

Well, this is certainly not a practical beachwear choice.

Miley Cyrus says America doesn't love her enough.

Ugh. That American Pie sequel is really happening.

I cannot wait to see how this episode of 30 Rock goes down.

Serena Williams. In a bikini.

Nicole Richie might have an addiction to sunglasses.

Guess which LOST actress is pregnant!

Jessica Simpson wants to make sure her twins are part of her wedding ceremony.

However, I find NPH's twins way cuter.

Pamela Anderson wants you to see all of her.

A Glee star is at war with rats (real rats, not paparazzi).

Hmmm...

I will totally check out this Julia Louis-Dreyfus show.

So, Nicki Minaj has a hair idol. Good for her.

Lisa Rinna might as well ask for world peace.

I like that Zach Galifianakis talks about people giving too much information while he is doing just that.

You can get Diddy to host a party, but it will cost you.

Being a network executive pays really well.

Nic Cage was arrested.

Jon Bon Jovi was burgled.

RuPaul: still pretty and still making music?

Jerry Seinfeld is just like me.

Rest in peace, Michael Sarrazin.

And Tim Hetherington and Chris Hondros.