Thursday, April 28, 2011

Royal Wedding? No, Thank You!

Before I start, let me say I think these two are adorable. If you believe all the hype, they're adorably perfect. Look at their flawless clothes and smiles. I'd say hair, but Kate clearly wins this won (sorry, Will - you got that from your dad).

I understand the fascination with these two, but I cannot believe the major networks in the United States are dedicating so much of Friday to the wedding. They do know they're not the Prince and Princess of America, right? So, I will do my best to avoid tuning in to this whole mess. I know it will be hard, but I just don't care. I wish them well and the best of luck - as I do any couple brave enough to stand in front of their family, friends and God to say those vows. 

Does the world have to go bananas over this royal wedding? It's like no one remembers how the last big fuss ended (divorce, Princess Diana's death if you're just landing on Earth). So, to add to the hoopla, people looking to cash in on this perfect young couple have rolled out the following:
Buy a place setting with their faces on it! Just what you need on your wall/in your cabinet!
A coin you'll probably accidentally shove into a vending machine.
A replica of Kate's/Diana's ring so you can wait for your very own prince (excuse me while I go gag).
A "rare" Kate doll! So, so happy we've already decided Kate shouldn't put on a single ounce (or stone or whatever they call weight in England)! Because Diana didn't have enough worries about her weight being documented. Seriously, no lessons learned there?
Paper dolls. Because everyone wants to dress up this royal couple. Really.
Ugly sneakers, or trainers as they call them across the pond. I don't even think Will and Kate are wearing these.
A royal manicure? Fellas, if you see a girl with nails like this, RUN LIKE THE WIND. That girl is crazy high maintenance and you will NEVER please her! Same goes with this.

Royal Pez dispensers? What's creepier than eating super sweet, hard candy out of the head of a real person? Fictional characters as Pez dispensers are just fine. Why do I make the distinction? Because if you ever bump into these two and the first words you say are, "I ate candy out of your head," you are certain to be detained if not sent away to a looney bin.
Anyone using these is either thumbing his/her nose at this nonsense or insanely bitter about not being The Chosen One. So, which are you?
If you're knitting your own royal family, you should pause and pet your kitties, you crazy lady!
The title of this book says a lot about the buyer. I'm just jealous I didn't get to this first.

And this might be the most ridiculous of all.
Royal Condoms. Really. I know they say "souvenir" on the box, but I am afraid there might be some people hoping to make royal babies. I say "hoping to make" because I refuse to believe that these are not legitimate birth control. Shall I say they might be full of holes?
Those are just some of the apps you can download (some free, some not) if you want to learn more about the wedding. Even creepier? The ones that make it seem as if you're participating in the whole process. Friends, if you've downloaded those, please don't tell me. Unless you want me to judge you. And I will.

If I should wake up early tomorrow morning and find no way to avoid all this Royal Wedding nonsense, I may play this.
The fine folks at Entertainment Weekly put this together. If I wasn't working, I might be inclined to get up early so I could make it a drinking game. If you're that lucky, here are a few of the rules I'd play by. Drink when:
  • You see a lady in a hat
  • You see someone wipe away tears (on TV, in your own home, in the mirror)
  • You see a celebrity
  • You see a celebrity in a hat - that's two shots
  • You see a celebrity cry - that's two shots
  • You see a celebrity in a hat crying - that's three shots
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