More Movies I Can't Wait To Miss

Another month, another batch of movies I have no interest in seeing. Here's what I'll be avoiding at the theaters in July:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

I liked the books. The movies have been a bit of a disappointment. Maybe it's because Kristen Stewart is quite possibly the world's worst actress. Maybe it's because these books, despite their popularity and ability to get teens (and their parents) to spend lots of money, just don't translate - at least not at the budget they movie makers have been given. I'm not asking for The James Cameron Touch on every film, but once you've seen how RIGHT movies can make special effects, seeing these movies is like watching effects done in the eighties - SUPER CHEESE.

The Last Airbender

This is the LAST airbender? Why am I just now hearing about this? Sarcasm, folks. First of all, I don't even know what an airbender is. [I learned it's a lot like a movie I've seen before: "The Golden Child."] Second, that means I don't care if he/she/it becomes extinct. Also, it's directed by M. Night Shyamalan. I'm gonna go ahead and bet it's a dream/they're all dead. SPOILER ALERT? Best thing about this title: there's no way you can make a sequel when you call something "the last." Wait. Just realized they could make a prequel. JERKS.

Predators

This is a reboot. I'm automatically skeptical. And it stars Adrien Brody. When did he decide to start making movies for the paychecks? Played.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

FULL DISCLOSURE: I am not a fan of fantasy movies. So, the fact that this movie title has the word "sorcerer" in it is an instant turn off. I don't care if the sorcerer is George Clooney (I checked - it's Nicolas Cage), I'm out. Even if this sorcerer takes his face ... off, this one gets a big N-O.

Ramona and Beezus

I know I am not the target audience for this one. I would have been all over this if it was being released in 1985. Sadly, it's 2010, so I'll take the pass on this one.

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore

Wow. They'll make anything to get parents to fork over cash! I'm all for cute videos of dogs and cats. In fact, on a slow day, I've been known to surf youtube looking for videos of animals to entertain me. But after watching this trailer, I am certain I won't be seeing this one. Ever.

Charlie St. Cloud

Wow. Drama starring that boy from "High School Musical." No, thank you. I can't do these movies. I find myself struggling to shout at the screen and people don't like when you yell things like, "Oh COME ON!"

Twelve

Where do I begin? I am SO tired of pretty young actors trying to do ugly roles so they can be taken seriously. I almost never like these junkie movies. Maybe it's because I've never been one. Maybe it's because the closest to addiction I've ever known is cupcakes (seriously, they're delicious and sweet and just the perfect serving size).

There are quite a few movies I'd like to catch this month:

• Love Ranch
• Despicable Me
• The Kids Are Alright
• Inception
• Salt
• Get Low

I'm on the fence about Dinner For Schmucks. I might just Netflix that one.

If You Want To Buy Me Something...

I'll take a penguin.

I Violated Probation

One week after putting myself on book-buying probation, I have already violated the deal. It seems everywhere I turned, someone was talking about this book:

The premise: a man and woman meet and the book checks in on them the same day every year. I have not heard/read one bad thing about this book (which is becoming a movie). So, armed with a Borders coupon, I bought it at a bargain price. I figure it will be nice to read that after I get through "The Passage."


If you want to read an excerpt of "One Day," click here.


PS - I had to quit "Last Call." I made it through seven chapters (about one-third of the book) and just couldn't keep up. I like my historic books to stick to a timeline. This one hops from year to year. I might go back to it some day, but have now moved on (see the right hand column for what I'm currently reading).

Vampires Don't Suck!

Well, I guess they kind of suck blood - but it seems like they drink it more than they suck it. But when it comes to "True Blood," these vampires don't suck. They are creepy, sexy, scary and just plain awesome! Now, I'm not saying I believe vampires exist, but if they are anything like these vampires, I could be completely on board.

Eric and Bill are two vampires who don't seem to mind if they're naked. You won't see that in any other vampire show or movie! I have read the "Twilight" books. They're OK. Like this show, they put vampires in our modern times. But besides the whole needing to feed on blood, they're pretty tame. "True Blood" vampires make those "Twilight" vampires look lame. This TV shows make HBO a must! 

Now, there are a couple of things that I don't like. Seeing vampires crawl out of the dirt to recover from serious injury. All I can think about is the dirt getting into places no one should have to clean dirt from - gross. But more disgusting: Anna Paquin's horrific excuse for a southern accent. I know she's not even from this continent, but her inability to sound remotely southern is an insult. How she has won a Golden Globe for her performance is beyond me. Pathetic.

Paquin's cringe-worthy accent aside, there is a naughty (fun) pattern with this show. I decided this season I would keep tabs of some of that behavior. So, here's what I'm counting:

• Use of the word f*#k
• Sex - one full point for a real scene, half a point for imagined scene

And there's one more thing. 

Lafayette.

Love him! 

It's not just the fact that he steps up the gayness in each episode.

It's not the fact that he can apparently cook up a hot meal and sell vampire blood on the side.

It's the fact that he calls people "hooker." How has that not caught on?

So, I'll also be counting the times he says that. 

You'll find the "True Blood" meter on the right all season.

Enjoy!

Dog Days of Summer

Each summer, I take Charley in for a little makeover. He's a wire-haired dachshund, so he can get awfully shaggy. He has two features that I love: his eyebrows and his beard. Those things get a slight trim, but they are his most distinguishing features (along with his blue eye) so I make sure he keeps those. Here he is right after his summer cut.

I think he's super handsome! He seems to feel much better - spending more time outside without panting like mad.


Happy summer!

Week in Pop Culture

Salma! We get it! You're beautiful and busty! Now, could you put those away?

The Fockers are coming back to the big screen. Not sure if I can get excited about this.


Justin Bieber's mom might be setting him up for a lifetime of therapy.


Fame has its perks. However, cutting in line will not win you fans.


This is the kind of thing that makes me not want to try Botox.

Oprah is in the middle of a voting controversy (and it has nothing to do with her pal, Barack).

Keanu Reeves says he's not sad, thank you very much.

One thing supermodels are really good at: snapping back into shape. DAMN YOU, GISELE!

Awww! Ben Stiller is a do-gooder!

This guy plays a vampire on the big screen and is also related to the ultimate vampire? Crazy.


It's nice to hear a "Real Housewife" being sensible about her body.


Oh, Cameron Diaz! I thought you looked really nice on "The Daily Show." Then I spotted this:

Take a look at the pit area. 

Yep. I spotted her with another pit stain! Seriously, her stylists need to either give her a liberal swabbing of super-strong antiperspirant, or they need to put her in clothes that don't show her looking like this. NOTE: I've previously written about my suspicion Ms. Diaz might be a tad stinky. Also, I'm not the only one who's noticed Cameron's pit problems.


"The Green Hornet" returns!

This guy you've probably never heard of will play Kevin Bacon's role in the reboot of "Footloose."

Mom jeans don't look good on anyone. So don't do this.


Not at all surprised yet another "Bachelor" pairing didn't make it.


Oh, great. Now Helen Mirren is showing skin. And talking about her sex life.

If you were hoping for a "90210" reunion, don't hold your breath.

I think Rihanna just wants attention.

These girls (Angel, left & AnnaLynne McCord) need to eat a burger.

Another week, another example of Miley Cyrus going full-on whore. She can taunt me in my dreams all she wants. I'm not scared!


While I have no interest in seeing that new "Karate Kid" movie, I am a little shocked to learn so many people hate (and I mean HATE) Jaden Smith. Um, he's a kid. Wait until he starts trouble to hate on him!

I am shocked! This actor decided to go to rehab - and not Dr. Drew's place!


You can live like a celebrity, but it will cost you.

I thought I posted nonsense on Twitter! Take a look at these celebrity twitpics!

Pants or no pants, here's one place Lady GaGa can't go. Jerry Seinfeld was unhappy with GaGa being moved to his Mets box & might have willed this to happen to GaGa.

Some actress you might not have heard have has decided to retire at the ripe old age of 24. It might not have been her decision.

Here's how one washed-up singer tries to stay in the news.

I'm Starting To Get It!

Yet another magazine is doing its best to get me into this World Cup stuff. So, thank you US Weekly!

I'm On Probation

Book buying probation, that is.

You see, I am a member of Borders Rewards program. I get great coupons in my email that I can use online or in the store. Another perk: fantastic pre-order specials. You might remember this post, in which I decided I was going to read more books (and this time I meant it). Have you looked at the right column on this blog? I have read a few books already! BABY STEPS!!! When I spied this list of summer "must reads," I thought that would be a good start. I figured those books were released a few weeks apart, so when I got them at such great deals online, I ordered, thinking I would have time to finish one, then start another - no backlog.

Not so fast.

Those are the books currently on my nightstand. I'm currently reading "Last Call." It's a very interesting look at prohibition (and if you don't have the patience to read the 370-some pages, just wait - Ken Burns is turning it into a documentary for PBS). Next up, that Stephanie Meyer book. Then, that historical-type book (that's my inner nerd's pick). "The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake" and "The Passage" are at the bottom - kind of like saving the best for last! I was super excited when I ordered them, then saw John Searles picked them, too! I "met" him on twitter and he's now my go-to guy when I'm book shopping.

I'm not allowing myself to buy any more books until I at least make it to "The Passage." That one is 700 pages or so. It could be winter before I finish it! I hope it doesn't take that long. Once fall TV returns, I tend to read less. 

Now, I turn to you. What are you reading? And if you're interested in reading any of those books, let me know. I'll send it to you when I finish!


PS - If you're looking for more summer book suggestions, go here.

A Wee Bit Closer To Finding My World Cup Spirit

I really am trying to find my World Cup spirit! I looked for it on ESPN's website. This is what I found.

Highlights, scores, stats galore. BORING. And, maybe I'm just hungry, but for a second I thought that was a hamburger in the background. Just when I was questioning why that would be there, I realized it was one of the stadiums.


I tried that CNN/Sports Illustrated website.

More highlights, scores, stats. As exciting as a tied score. Sarcasm, folks. I would rather watch people flip a coin or draw cards/straws/pencils than see a game end in a tie. LAME-O.

Hoping Univision could enlighten me...

Hey! Highlights! Scores! Stats! Not even the promise of translation from Google Chrome could inspire me. Oh, and don't think I wasn't slightly amused by the number of mustaches going on in Latin-Land!


I even checked the official World Cup site.

Are you kidding me? It's no better than the other sites! Wait. I spotted a few extras.

OOOH! The President is on Twitter! And they have fan photos! Is that all? Who's designing these sites? 


Just when I was about to say, "Forget about this silly sport that lasts way too long and often results in a tie (still not a win in my book)!" I came across a site that has figured out how to make me a little more interested in soccer.


Interview magazine.

Yes! Finally coverage that speaks my language!!! More proof:

And because they understand photos aren't enough, they posted this video.


So, thanks, Interview! You have helped me get closer to finding my spirit! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Week In Pop Culture

I love this song!


Seriously, famous folk, STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR BEDROOM BEHAVIOR!

If this doesn't get that Justin Bieber to get a haircut, I don't know what will.

Lindsay Lohan might not have been drinking.

I was kind of onboard with Debbie Harry's outfit - until I saw the sandals.

This makes me really want to work for Oprah.

Ashton Kutcher is just like us!

Cameron Diaz thinks talking about her sex life will get people to see that action movie of hers.

Not long after admitting he had a serious drug problem, this actor says he was kidnapped and forced to do all the bad things he quit. Totally believable.

Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart had my dream wedding. Sarcasm, folks.

Perez Hilton is in a giant heap of trouble - maybe.

Here's America Ferrera looking the opposite of her "Ugly Betty" character. PS - She's engaged!

I triple dog dare you to go out to dinner dressed like this.

Did you know all 25 of these things about Elizabeth Taylor?

Miley Cyrus is seriously becoming more like Crazy Britney. I'm standing by for the head shaving.

Not sure about playing the Michael Jackson video game (safe for kids - apparently no molestations!).

I feel so sorry for the Sheen kids. Mom's in rehab. Dad's facing jail time.

Megan Fox is engaged and (because she's crazy) already lost her ring.

When your last big movie was 11 years ago, this is not how you stay in the news.

Here's proof there's an age limit on The Bieber.

I ♥ my Betty White, but I seriously hope if this is true, I hope to never see them. Wait. False alarm.

How does a washed up boy bander try to stay relevant? Acting like he's interested in a real-life Oompa Loompa.

Heidi Klum really should share her secrets. How does a mother of four look like this?

 Which "Desperate" lady walks around in her panties for all to see? This one.

Wait just a darned second. You mean to tell me "The Flinstones" was NOT historically accurate?

I haven't even heard this song, but I already want to stab myself in the ears.

I find this "relationship" to be creepy and totally media-whorish.

Catherine Zeta-Jones wins the award for "Speech I Wish I Had Never Heard."

Fellas, good news! Eva Mendes will get naked pretty easily.

Thinking about going on one of those reality shows to strike it rich? You might want to read this.

These photos are supposed to make you think Lindsay Lohan actually works out.

Olsen twins have more money than I'll ever see. So why do they think this is a good look?

It could have been worse, though. They could have walked out looking like this. At least Aretha did a do-over with a new 'do.

Who wants mom jeans or Daisy Dukes?


RIP Jimmy Dean. I'll celebrate your wonderful life with one of your breakfast goodies!

Another Strange Dream

Why can't I shake these odd dreams? Last night, I had no problem falling asleep. The only part of my dream I remember is what I happened before I woke up. Here's hoping someone can make sense of this one.


I was on a road trip. In this.

That's right. An ice cream truck/van thingy. When I saw that was my ride, I was excited! I thought I could eat fudgesicles and push-up pops until I was sick (likely one of each). Sadly, there was not one frozen treat inside.


Then, I met my companions.


Never seen them before. 

Scary Clown.


This is slightly less scary than the one I saw. He was never funny - unless you think "Want to see me make kids run?" followed by a sudden lunge of the truck as kids waved their dollar bills in defeat is hilarious.


I kept asking, "Who let the clown drive?" Silence. 


It was like they couldn't hear me.


Also, this clown had an evil laugh.


Soooo predictable.


In the passenger seat, a familiar face. But we had never met until this trip (or trippy dream).

Shaggy from "Scooby Doo."


There was no Scooby, but that didn't stop him from offering Scooby Snacks.


I just said no. I was afraid the word snack was code for some sort of illegal treat. Why? Because I remember this little pep talk from my childhood. Despite my crazy dreams and repeated references to my crack addiction, I have never done drugs. Ever. Test me.


But Shaggy was persistent. And I couldn't take my eyes off his shaggy excuse for facial hair. It was like the camera in my dream kept zooming in on his chin. How could a guy with so much hair on his head not have more than a dozen hairs on his face (minus the eyebrows)?


Riding in back with me was a guy who looked a lot like this.

Yep. Dude in a dog suit.


He didn't speak. He barked. He tried to stand up and shake his tail. He panted - a LOT. I kept suggesting he take a Scooby Snack, hoping his breath might improve.


Oh, one thing about that truck: it might look roomy, but it's not. And it's hot. So I kept pushing dog guy away from me, but every time the clown would take a corner, we'd slide into each other. 


Also, the dog dude seemed to LOVE the music that played on a loop. He bobbed his head to every beat of it. And it was playing on a cassette tape (random), so it would pause while it changed sides. This made dog dude panic. He would wine and shake until it started again. I think this is what will haunt me.

I have no idea what any of this means. I woke up feeling hot and my stomach hurt - only the last thing I wanted was ice cream.


As I write this, my dog is sleeping next to me on the sofa. I want his kind of sleep. Besides the occasional leg twitching, it seems pretty peaceful. And he gets so much more sleep than I do. In my next life, if there is such a thing, I want to come back as someone's pampered dog - only I don't want that crazy grooming or a daily costume. I want to wear my fur with pride!

I Had A Dream...

I wish I could tell you my dreams were as life-changing as Dr. Martin Luther King's. Sadly, my dreams (at least the ones I remember) are often the stuff crackheads must see in their waking (and high) moments.


Remember those American Gladiators?

Yeah. Those muscle-y, breast-y, big (mullet) haired, greasy gladiators. They "battled" one another in some pretty physical challenges. Well, those types of challenges were in my dreams, but it was not those pretty people doing them. Look, they were pretty in their time. They might be pretty now, I don't know. Where are they? What are their names?


My contestants were commercial stars. One round involved these two ladies.

That's the Roomstore lady and the Progressive lady. They were competing in one of those events where they stand over water and hit each other with foam-covered sticks until one falls off. That round went to the Progressive lady. Are you surprised? She makes a mean pitch for insurance (and aren't there enough cheap furniture stores?)!

The next round was just plain strange. It involved a rope ladder climb. Oh, and the contestants, also commercial pitchers:

This might surprise you, but that little gecko can climb really fast! The whole time he was taunting the Aflac duck with phrases like "You might be bigger than me, but you're clumsy. You're loud and lowsy - not a good combination." All that duck could say was "AFLAC!!!" The duck was defeated. The gecko just looked down at him with his big eyes, little green arms folded in front of his chest.


I don't remember ever watching a full episode of "Gladiators." I have no idea why I had this dream. Strange. But I did wake up relieved that the gecko won. My heart was even racing a bit. I might need medication. Or a vacation.

World Cup Fever?

Truth: I don't understand soccer.


It's not because I don't want to. It's just that whenever I've watched it, I feel like there should be more scoring. It's like human Foosball - without the ball going in the little goal thingy.


When I do watch, I like the end - when the guys take off their shirts.

Yes. I said it. Every sexist word. I said it.


So, I think it's interesting when people drop everything or roll out of bed at sunrise to watch soccer. And by interesting, I mean, "What's wrong with you people?" It's not like if you miss a goal they won't reshow it again and again! Seriously, it could be the only scoring the entire game - they'll want you to see that!


Still, I'm looking for my World Cup spirit. It has to be in me, right? Like, YAY, AMERICA! But that silly Vuvuzela hasn't helped.

Even without that, I haven't given up on myself. I made this in hopes of getting into it. What do you think?

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

Summer STILL Isn't Here?

So, the calendar says Summer doesn't start for a few more days. Tell that to the weather!

Saturday afternoon. 90º and super humid. Might as well be summer. While I hate the heat (and my hair REALLY hates the humidity), there are a few things I like about summer.

When it gets hot and I take my dog out, he gets especially hot - after all, he is about two inches from the ground. This is when I give my dog his favorite treat: Frosty Paws.

He will push that cup of what he thinks is ice cream around the house. He will pick it up with this teeth and carry it around from room to room - mainly because the cat is curious and he's trying to keep him from getting his furry paws on it. Once he has licked that little cup clean, he immediately takes a nap. Maybe he has brain freeze? Can dogs get that? Seeing how happy he is with that treat makes me happy. And it makes me want something cold, too.

Little known fact about me: I would be barefoot if it wasn't so hot my feet would melt into the sidewalk or I'd get some disease from the nasties just waiting to jump onto my feet. So, to protect my feet, I wear shoes (duh). One of my summer favorites are flip flops. It's as close to not wearing shoes as you can get. Yes, I'm well aware they can be bad for your feet and ankles. However, I'm not willing to give them up. You're looking at some of the most comfortable flip flops ever: Havaianas. If you haven't had the pleasure of wearing them, you're missing out. Super comfortable and light! (BTW - That super green grass is my backyard! I might have a little victory in my own yard!)

Last summer, we suffered through a horrible drought. Thirty-something days with temperatures over 100 - and most days didn't even have a cloud in the sky, let alone a single sprinkle. It was hot, y'all! I have one tree - a crepe myrtle in my front yard. While those trees are really heat tolerant (and apparently can go without water for months), I was a little sad for my tree last year. It hardly flowered. Its limbs seemed to say, "I give up" with each passing day. But now, with rain on a regular basis, look at what greets me in my front yard every day:

Beautiful pink flowers blooming on every branch! There are more flowers each day. It really makes me happy to see that every morning when I walk outside. It's like the tree is celebrating the end of the drought! There is one downside to the crepe myrtle:

Those little pink flowers don't have much of a grip on the tree. The slightest breeze knocks them off the branch and they wind up in the grass. I spotted them four houses away on a walk this afternoon! It's almost like pink snow. Pretty, until I track in little flowers and find them on my carpet. They even get caught in my curls! Despite all that, I still love them.

I am sure it won't be long before I'm complaining about the heat. Just because I've spent most of my life in South Texas, that doesn't mean I will EVER get used to the heat - or even like it. You should not break into a sweat walking outside at night. You should not feel like you're in the early stages of heat stroke just walking outside to pick up the newspaper in the morning. That's just not right. But I take comfort in the little things that make me glad it's summer - and wish for fall to hurry up and get here so I can get a break from the heat!

Week In Pop Culture

Note: I had a really great blog post for you, but my laptop disagree and threw most of it out. Hope you like the new design while you read what I was able to salvage!




World Cup-Mania starts today! Get a look at how Fergie & Shakira shook the crowd.

Rihanna has a great body. I don't understand why airbrushers must try to make her go from sick to unbelievable - and not in a good way.

Because no one is paying her, Courtney Love is posting her own naked pictures.

The Hoff will be the next one roasted on Comedy Central.

So, Lindsay Lohan would consider "Celebrity Apprentice" but NOT "Celebrity Rehab?" Hello, Vegas! Can I wager on Lindsay not living to see 30?

Apparently, Anita Baker was not so fabulous while performing at the NBA Finals.


It's sad that Gary Coleman had to spell out what he wanted at his funeral - like he knew people would take advantage of him even in his death.

It's a little harder to do the Walk of Shame when you're being followed by paparazzi. But it might be OK to blame them for your car crash.

Lady GaGa really brings a whole new meaning to the term "seventh inning stretch."

Here's one of many uncomfortable moments from the MTV Movie Awards.

And if you can't get enough of that Tom Cruise character, you might get a lot more of that.