Monday, November 15, 2010

Can We Still Be Friends?

Friends, I have a confession to make. I hope you're sitting down. I hope you won't judge me too harshly.

Here goes.

I have not seen/read all things pop culture.

Crazy, as my culture is all kinds of poppy. But if you want to talk to me about the following, don't be surprised when I give you a blank stare:

The Hobbit
I have never read a single page of this.

Maybe it has something to do with the mythical creatures that are a wee bit creepy. Maybe it's the fact that it's such a long series that my self-diagnosed ADD can't keep up.

Also, I've never met a real person named Gandolf or Bilbo, so the idea of reading about these odd people in places I can never see (and my tiny brain can't imagine) just does not appeal to me.

I know I shouldn't trust everything I read on Wikipedia, but just what I have skimmed about this series made my eyes glaze over (and I'm not even drinking).

I like my fiction to be creative, but practical. I have actually had dreams that I have been face to face with The Great Gatsby. I have never dreamed of unicorns, elves, dwarves, goblins or any other mythical creature. To read or watch a movie including those creatures is something that my brain just doesn't understand. So, other similar series that have not grabbed me:

  • Lord of The Rings
  • Chronicles of Narnia
  • Harry Potter
Little House on The Prairie
My little brain also does not like frontier-times. You see, I don't like camping - the idea of life without electricity, running water and air conditioning/heat kinda terrifies me.

I know the show was good, clean family entertainment with a few life lessons thrown in. I just like my lessons with a studio audience, even a "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" I also like: a dad in a funny sweater (The Cosby Show), a mom who can be a bit harsh when she needs to be (Roseanne), a quirky kid from another family (Growing Pains, Full House) or even a visitor from another planet (Alf). 

Friends, you can keep this dusty family. I don't want to explain DVR to them.

The Matrix
It's not that I don't like Keanu Reeves (have you never seen me Tweet late at night lines from Point Break? "I am an EFFF BEEE EYE agent!"), it's just that we're now out of a time period that makes sense to me.

As a kid, I remember watching a movie about the year 2000 (which, in the 1980s was like telling kids today about the year 2050). We were told we'd have spaceship cars like The Jetsons. We'd get to vacation on other planets. We'd have robots in our homes. LIES. ALL LIES.

So, when it comes to movies that depict the future, well, it just makes me angry. It's like one big tease about all the things we'll never actually use. It hurts me a little. It's like learning Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy aren't real (kids, if you're reading this, they DO exist). Devastating. Don't tease me. I'm fragile.

Woody Allen
Everyone says he's a genius. I have tried many times to enjoy his movies.

Can't do it.

It's like one of those torturous books I was forced to read in school. I wanted the Cliffs Notes so I could understand what made that "masterpiece" worth my time. 

If I wanted to spend two hours listening to a whining character who didn't really have such a bad life, I'd talk to myself. 

Wait. That doesn't sound good.

I have taken his movies out of my Netflix queue because I realized I held onto the movies longer than I should have (procrastination is my unofficial middle name). I give Woody a shot whenever I see his movies on TV. I rarely make it through a commercial. Yes, I'm clearly uncivilized. And ignorant. Beat you to it.

Indiana Jones
This one surprises even me. I like Harrison Ford. Well, I liked him before he started making movies where he appears to be a parody of himself.

I don't know why I never saw one of these movies. Maybe it's because I didn't have an older brother. Maybe it's because my younger brother wasn't interested in it. I'm stumped.

However, this is one series that I do want to watch some day. See? I can change!

Disney World/Land
I know it's a magical, happy place. That's not why I'm not interested. My reason is simple: time and money.

I don't love amusement parks because my impatience makes me cranky. Long lines for rides, shows and food and beverages can make it impossible to see and do everything you want. Plus, I know how disgusting those creature costumes are. Seeing one of them coming my way makes me want to get out of there fast. 

I could consider going to Disney if I had a guarantee that I would not have to wait in lines. Otherwise, I'll pass.

This next one is a true confession.
I have never solved a Rubik's Cube. Well, let me take that back a bit. I have never legitimately solved one of these things. Sure, I've taken off stickers and moved them to make it look like I did it. But manipulating that block to get the colors to line up is something that makes my head hurt. It takes math or something smart (like a brain) to finish it. I am so ashamed of myself. You can't see me, but my head is hanging low. 

So, friends, this is my confession. I hope you still like me. Just a little? Please? I never said I was a pop culture expert. Another confession: I'm not an expert at anything. But that's another post.
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