Please Don't

In the last couple of years, I have rediscovered my love of reading. I like a good memoir - political, historical or celebrity. But I have stumbled upon a few recently that I cannot believe have actually wound up on bookshelves. This is the first one that made me a bit ragey:

First of all, putting that book in the humor section is an insult to the books that deserve to be there (Garfield and Jon Stewart are likely trying to bump that book right off the table). Second, you don't need to even pick up the book to know that you stand a VERY good chance at getting an STD from it. Third, if you're buying this book and reading it, you're a douchebag who's also a loser. If you need tips from a guy who is only able to hook up with a different girl every night because he's on TV, you need to take a good look at yourself. Or apply for one of those reality shows and hope you get to take The Situation's 15 minutes of fame. I think he's at the 14:35 mark.

Are you pre-ordering this book?

You are most definitely in need of a break from television. And I don't care if you're buying this as you wait for your fake tan to settle in, you cannot tell me you honestly believe a girl who calls herself "Snooki" can write a book. I don't doubt that she can read (those TV contracts are complicated and she seems to be making good cash). I've seen clips of her and have heard enough to know that she can barely put together a sentence, so a 304 page book? PUHLEAZE.

And, REALLY America?

You want a book that has a huge spelling error on the cover? And what could they possibly tell you that you don't already know? These girls keep nothing to themselves! One of them got a bikini wax from her sister on their reality show. They get into great detail on their other lady business. Also, not a week goes by that I don't have one of these ladies on a magazine in my mailbox. The only way they could reveal something is if they all said they have wieners. Otherwise, just watch E!, people. It'll save you money and time.

I almost get this.

Young girls will collect anything with their favorite pop star on it. But I think money would be better spent on these toys than on a book that has everything every Bieber fan would already know. He's just 16! What kind of life has he lived? A quick Google search turned up this article (for free) that is most likely a peek into his 240 page book. I just took a quick look at his book online. It's like reading his Twitter feed and seeing lots of pictures from his tour. I suppose it's a good collectible gift for a young fan. But, girls, if you're expecting to get something new out of this, you'll be disappointed. Wait until he's old, like, in his 20s, and has some real stories to tell. I hope by then he turns his haircut around.

So, friends, if you're looking for something to get me this holiday season, please don't buy me a book written by a pop star or reality show person (refuse to call them a star). It will either be returned to the store for an actual book I want or will be left in a public place for someone else to pick up and haul around.