Apologies. Longest blog post EVER.
One Monday night at work, I was flipping around the channels and came across wrestling. I have never understood it. Trevor said I should watch and blog it one week. I said he should do the same for some girly show. Since all the good TV has gone on holiday, I accepted the challenge.
When I agreed to it, I was under the impression it was just two hours (totally manageable as I have sat through two hours of other reality-type shows). But when I actually sat down to program my DVR, I saw that it was THREE HOURS. Oh, and it wasn't going to be full-on wrestling. It was the SLAMMY Awards. FULL DISCLOSURE: I reserve the right to hit Fast Forward (FF from here on out) if I grow weary/annoyed. Here goes...
David Arquette walked out first. He's wearing a suit - overdressed for a sport where the dudes where panties. Also, he's using some gruff voice and making a face as he talks. Lots of booing and it's not just coming from my sofa. He was presenting the award for "Shocker of The Year." Observation: These dudes seem over-waxed. Even the ones wearing jorts. The winner: the debut of The Nexus.
And they're wrestling.
Why is Mr. Manties ducking into the ropes? He's scared of Mr. Spandex! The announcers say Mr. Manties did not prepare for this match. Ouch. Neck slap. Response: eye poke. These two fight like menopausal ladies. That eye poke really bothered Mr. Spandex. But he is a fan of the slap. Lots of back and neck slapping. I've just learned Mr. Spandex is actually "Big Show." I like my name for him better. Mr. Manties rolled out of the ring, grabbed his SLAMMY and left. Big Show is declared the winner. Notice: I'll be forwarding through these wrestling matches as I think I'd rather poke myself in the eye than watch those sissy fights.
Next award: The Despicable Me. Kelly Kelly and Tyson Kidd with Jackson Andrews present this award. That Jackson dude is a giant. I wonder what they spend more on - spray tanning or waxing?
This Tyson dude (see picture at the right) threw lots of insults at Kelly squared. I mean, the dude only has bangs - who's afraid of that? I kind of hoped she'd slap the crap out of him. No such luck.
The winner is: CM Punk singing happy birthday to a little girl. It brought tears to my eyes - and not in a good way. You can watch that here. I would count douche bags on this show, but I think I wouldn't be able to do anything else. This Punk guy says he holds grudges and he'll get his revenge. I think his facial hair has gotten its revenge on him. Wait. A dude (Kofi Kingston) comes out in blue manties and boot thingies. Daniel Bryan and The Bella Twins comes out. So, bimbos like their manty-clad dudes? I have learned so much in half an hour. Wait. I have three and a half hours to go? Dolph Ziggler and his badly dyed hair comes out. Why is he pointing at his belt? Ladies don't do that. Ted DiBiase comes out in the smallest of green manties.So much drama for one dude to tag out. I like this Kofi dude's style - he prances! He and the twins' dude win.
The next award: Guest Star Shining Moment. It's presented by Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov. English is not their first language - unless they have been practicing their accents. Santino kissed Vladimir on the cheek - European-style. I'd be afraid to give the award to anyone NOT named Mike Tyson. The winner: Pee Wee Herman. He couldn't be there because he's doing his Broadway show.
Oh, I see. Tonight's story line involves Mr. Manties and his decision about Mr. Jorts.
Mr. Dashing has a mirror on the back of his jacket. I know some people who like to look at themselves and they don't do that. Yet.
Mr. Henry and his red spandex want to fight. Dashing has a lisp and does not want his face to be messed up.
Now, another award. Jerry "The King" Lawler and Vickie Guerrero present the "Holy %&^*%&*" award. They trade insults. Ahh, wrestling. One of the few "occupations" where sexists guys (who clearly spend more time primping than ladies) can call women dumb and fat - yet they don't get knocked out. The winner is: John Cena. He was fired and was not able to accept his award. Mr. Manties returned to the stage and said Cena can come and get his award. The crowd is chanting for Cena. Mr. Manties has made his decision. Wait. He's not going to make his decision unless Cena faces him "man to man." And in he walks - jorts and all. Mr. Manties warns Cena not to attack him. The Nexus bunch walked out. Cena takes off his shirt. Lots of staring. Mr. Manties rehires CenaCena must face him Sunday in a chair match and Cena has to agree to go one-on-one with David Otunga. The Nexus bunch jump in and attack Cena. Is this some sort of "blood in, blood out" group? Ouch. Chair to the back. Again. Cena's jorts don't seem to have any special powers. If they did, he wouldn't be rolling around on the floor in pain.
David Arquette returns in some really bad white suit and sunglasses with that awful voice. It makes my throat hurt just listening to him. Can you catch strep throat from TV? He's presenting the award for "WWE Universe Fan Reaction." Here's the winner. Watch the link to see why the girl earned her prize.
He's telling people how great he is - until he's interrupted by an email.
The Miz and his partner, a Randy guy, are told they're taking on two former champions. His faux-hawk is not happy.
Explosions. Dude in a mask. Rey Mysterio (click the link to see his crazy chest tattoo that looks like a face) walks out. They start wrestling. They are so well choreographed, they could be dancing to Lady GaGa!
Alberto Del Rio walks out in a suit. He's a big rival of Mysterio. How can you wrestle in a suit? He hasn't gotten into the ring, so I may not know. Ew. Mysterio does crotch to Miz face. How many gay wrestlers are there? Miz wins. Mysterio runs after Del Rio. DRAMA.
ANOTHER email. Later, Randy will compete in a handicap match against Alex Riley and David Arquette.
Oh my God. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Is anyone still reading this?
Back to the awards. Edge and Christian present the SLAMMY for "Oh Snap Meltdown." The winner: Edge. See how he earned that award here. This guy has some rage issues. He makes me look calm. And now I know why I don't take steroids. Bleeps. Christian gets an email on his phone. He was teasing. He wants Edge to calm down. I've learned there's a reason these wrestlers never go on to win Academy Awards. This is some really bad acting.
It's like a battle between the pastiest of pasties and the world's largest Oompa Loompa taking to the mat. BTW - Sheamus is a pretty cool name.
That does not stop them from "punching" one another. Three refs struggle to break it up. The crowd wants them to keep fighting. EMAIL INTERRUPTION. These two will fight Sunday and the winner becomes the next number one contender for the WWE championship. The winner will be the one who retrieves the contract hanging above the ring in a ladder match. Whitey gets a few jabs in, then jumps out of the ring to grab a ladder. He whacks Orangey in the chest with it. I kind of want to see if John's tan will rub off on Sheamus. Ouch. He launches John onto the ladder. I know this is staged but that has to hurt! I've climbed my ladder without shoes and that hurt my feet. No way landing on a ladder doesn't hurt!
Back to the awards. SLAMMY award for "Knucklehead of The Year" is presented by JTG and William Regal. Here's the winner.
It's a big ol' girl fight in the ring. I see lots of head holding - like their hair hurts. Lots of screeching. This is the shiniest chaos I've ever seen. FF.
The Diva of The Year is Michelle McCool (pictured at right). Are you kidding me? That's the best name this girl could come up with?
EMAIL INTERRUPTION. McCool and her little brunette pal will meet two other girls in a Diva Table Smash. These girls are skerred.
Edge has climbed into the ring. Jack Swagger and his spandex suit climb in next. FF. Edge wins.
The SLAMMY for "WWE Moment of The Year" is next. Big Show has suited up to present this award. This wrestling business makes me think I need an entrance song. I'm going to work on that. The winner: The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels. Photos of that here.
Randy Orton takes the ring for that fight against Alex Riley and David Arquette. Arquette might be showing off some of the worst acting I've seen during this whole extravaganza. Randy gets Alex down. Miz jumps in and smacks Randy with a suitcase. Then, he brings a table in the ring. David Arquette sets up the table - wait, which team are these guys on? Arquette and Miz try to slam Riley on the table. I kind of want Arquette to get knocked out. Randy drops Arquette on a table. Randy and Miz stare each other down. Steroids make you crazy. Also, when these dudes are ragey, their manboobs seem to dance. Arquette is hauled off on a board by paramedics.
Michael Cole presents the SLAMMY for "And I Quote ... Line of The Year." The winner is Michael Cole. He presented himself with an award?
Theodore Long (wearing the largest suit ever) presents the award for "WWE Superstar of The Year." The winner is John Cena. I totally saw that coming. Apparently, it was all in the jorts.
Mr. Jorts is prepared to take on Mr. Manties. He grabs a chair and climbs back into the ring. He smacks Ortunga in the side. Once more in the back. Otunga begs Mr. Manties for help. Mr. Jorts keeps whacking him with the chair, which is now unsittable. Otunga takes a few more whacks, then rolls out of the ring.
Mr. Manties raises a chair, like they're going to duel with chairs. Oh. They're saving that until Sunday. You'll have to tell me how that ends.
I need to find something to wipe my brain clear of all this. I feel dirty. And dumb.