Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Festivus!

What? It's a real thing! See?

So, I thought I'd observe this holiday by telling you people some of the things that REALLY annoy me.

Yes, I want to know what you're up to (I accepted your friend request, didn't I?). But some of you are *this* close to losing me. Here's why:
 STOP POKING ME! It just sounds creepy. I do not like people to poke me in person (I bruise easily and a single poke in the arm can give me a bruise for a week). I do not want you to poke me online. It's annoying.

STOP USING YOUR CHILD/PET AS YOUR PROFILE PHOTO! Look, I love my little furkids. I post their pictures on Facebook every now and then. But they are NOT me. They cannot be my profile picture. If I have photo with them, I could make that my profile pic. But that is the ONLY exception. I think your kids and pets are adorable, too. If I want to see them in my feed, I'll friend them (aren't they on Facebook? is that not why all of your updates are about them?).

STOP BEING A DOWNER/BRAGGER! When you regularly post how awful/wonderful your life is, it's annoying. Those of you who seem to only post that you're having a bad day make me feel like I should call a hotline to get you some help. When you only post comic-style pictures to express how you feel, I can't help but think you need to learn how to use your words (I like you because we have had conversations - remember those?). When you only post how awesome your life is, I think you're lying. Really. No one is always happy and lucky all the time! Your constant cheer makes me wish you'd get a flat tire or something - but only in the daytime because wishing that on anyone at night might as well be wishing a serial killer would come to your final rescue. I don't want that. Yet.

STOP WITH THE HATE! I know that might sound a bit ironical, but I have seriously grown tired of your constant bashing of all things: America, the President, the Constitutional rights you swear are being taken away. I'm not saying you can't post them on your page. I'm saying that if I post something and your reply is "Blame Obama!" or "Ron Paul 2012!" or "You're a socialist!" you should start a countdown clock for me to unfriend you. You've been warned.

I have the same complaints about my Twitter friends.

I have what is sometimes the privilege of watching a lot of news. But there are some things I keep seeing/hearing that are driving me bananas.

WENT MISSING. I don't even think this is proper English! I don't know who started using this horrible phrase, but it's TV speak that is not necessary. Now that regular people are using this phrase, it's time to use words that make more sense. How about: ran away, disappeared, vanished, wandered off, may have been kidnapped? All of those make me less ragey. Give it a shot.

ALLEGEDLY. This word is so often misused that non-TV people use it randomly. And wrongly. Stop.

NON-LIFE THREATENING INJURIES. Look, cops and paramedics use this way too often. It's stupid. Just say someone is going to be OK. Or better yet, tell me what kind of injuries someone suffered.

BREAKING NEWS. Here's the thing: there are stories that break just before or during news time. That phrase is appropriate then. Calling something "breaking news" when it happened hours before you report it is not just a lie. It makes you look like a fool. First, a story is broken, then it's developing, then it's an update. Got it?

WE DON'T KNOW. I hear this on local and cable news all the time when a story is unfolding on live TV. If you don't know something, don't tell me. You're wasting my time. I want to know what you know and what you see. I don't even mind if you speculate. Just don't tell me what you don't know. This makes me all kinds of Tourettey.

VIRAL VIDEO. This phrase gives me the creeps. It's like the internet video I'm watching on TV is going to reach out and grab me and perhaps give me some kind of terminal illness. Can we come up with a new phrase for that - like "Web Hit Wonder" or "You've Been Tubed?" I'm not sold on those phrases, but we should talk.

Those are my complaints. I feel better now.
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